Finally, a song made for you and I

We never had a song, maybe because there weren't any lyrics that would best describe this mess we made...until now

From the Album: Wreck of the Day,

Catalyst
Anna Nalick

L.A. lights never shine quite as bright as in the movies
Still wanna go
There's something here
In the way, in the way that we're constantly moving
Reminds you of home
So you've taken these pills
For to fill up your soul
And your drinking them down with cheap alcohol
I might be inclined to be yours for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that you're making
But me, I'm the catalyst

When you say love is a simple chemical reaction
Can't say I agree
Cuz my chemical, yeah, left me a beautiful disaster
Still love's all I see

So I'm taking these pills for to fill up my soul
And I'm drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And you'd be inclined to be mine for the taking
You're part of this terrible mess that I'm making
But you, you're the catalyst

You'll be the thing
You'll be the pain
You'll be the star
You'll be the road, rolling below
The wheels of a car
And all of the thoughts, oh god
Don't know if I'm strong enough now
You'll be the thing
You'll be the pain
You'll be the Catalyst

These L.A. lights, no no,
They don't shine quite as bright as back in Frisco
Do you wanna go?
Still wanna go

Thanks Clang for the beautiful lyrics of this depressing song. Nothing is better than words that stab your heart on a lonely Saturday night. Best medicine to depression is more depression. Get your ipod, and create a brand new drama-rama playlist!

What is sadder than loving someone who'd choose another girl over you?

Oh I know.
Choosing drugs over me. Again and again.

No baby, it's not the addiction I am sad about. It’s the lifestyle. It is seeing you get depressed about money and worrying about your future—at the same time, witness to how you spend the money you haven’t earned for substances.

When friends get tired of this lifestyle, they'd go back to their careers, they'd have family, money and even inheritance. What's left is you. We all have our other little circles.We're different cause we're supposed to be family. But we're nothing but a bad habit.

My stand on this is very simple: DO it if you have spare money for it and if your daily life doesn't get affected. It is a phase people go through. It should never be the way you live your life, [or refuse to live your life]
For your friends: We all have a responsibility with each other. It is so easy to just have our own personal fun. We are creatures brought together by high and adventure. But when will we recognize that our friends treat us family? When will we recognize that we are not kids anymore? Our actions from here on determine the rest of our lives.

I am not being a hyprocrite. I am not clean. But I am admitting to it.

Stop telling me you are okay and you'll be okay. First step is to recognize that you are not, then you can help yourself. You will never change until you find the need to. I'm not telling you to quit. Just have some self-respect. Stop putting yourself always at the brink of dilemma- whether it is about people you're in a relatioship with, about money, about your family- they're all unnecessary problems.

A really close friend, who seems to share so much with me and is in fact one of my biggest inspirations, said that we are not as similar as I think. He says he could never tolerate as much as I do. At that time, I didn’t even know I was putting so much of my principles aside.

Tonight I tried stopping you, not because I am your girl or I want to be. It’s because I can deal with so many things, but not this. [And no, it’s not the addiction I am talking about]

I can deal with cheap dates. I can deal with paying for this and that and forgetting about buying myself something pretty. I can deal with not getting gifts. I can deal with having to drive my ass to you and back home late at night. I can deal with your dirty, poorly-ventilated pad [which you really didn’t need and can’t afford by the way]. I can deal with mistakes. I can deal with broken promises. I can deal with smokes. I can deal with the things I told myself I’d never do but I did for you. I can deal with forgiving myself later.

But I can’t ever deal with a person without any drive.
--- a person so smart and yet incredibly stupid for losing hope in himself.

I am no trophy girlfriend. I am not even sure I can handle commitments.
Just that I never lose hope.
But tonight you showed me how much of a failure I am, because tonight I lost hope in you.

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One day, you’ll me prove wrong and that would be a failure I’d long for. Til then.

Cause everything I know is everything taught to me

I started writing this last year, and I didn't know how to end it. I guess it just found its own ending or should I say beginning.

Dedicated to one of the best people I know.

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"Because everything I am is everything taught to me"

That was her reply.

We were there just across the school. We were there on a casual Friday, lazy to hit the club or our books. It didn't take long before the paper cups got severe beating from our torturous fingers. It's as if they do the talking for the many thoughts we can't get our mouths to say.

I can still hear the girl laughing her lungs out from across the room as the Physics major tries to analyze the quantum mechanics of the metal spring.

I can still feel the wind blowing on the tiny drops of sweat on my forehead.

We were there. We wanted to be there, because we were both so tired of being ourselves.

Only the smell of my caramel macchiato gives true comfort, but somehow everything seemed like it was in harmony. I wasn't annoyed at the street kids demanding a tip of 20 bucks in absolutely doing nothing, pretending to guard my car.

We come from across the wavelengths of principles. She is steadfast on propriety, and I on stand tall on my hundred dollar heels. It's as if the aroma of coffee sends signals to our hearts urging them to speak. We were there, sitting, tapping our fingers on the bruised paper cups, finally uttering a word.

"I wish I could be you for a day and say fuck it to all expectations".

"I wish I could have your discipline and skip social events to study for a change".

Our simultaneous sighs formed a cloud over our heads, intertwining thirsts for something we are not, our desires are one.

"No you don't understand. I've always wanted to live by the moment, not plan my day, leave a dirty cup on my table overnight, not wear seat belt in the highway and be up for anything on a school day."

"I want to. But I can't"

"It's easier than you think, especially when your problem is saying no"

"I want to be able to say I messed up, that for one night, I completely just went for every impulse I had. But even just thinking about them gives me the chills."

"I'm telling you, be careful what you wish for."

"It's just that, it gets tiring you know. To try to please everyone, when you know it's impossible."

"Sometimes I feel like being wonder woman is not so glamorous after all."

"But the costumes are definitely so hot."

"Exactly! That's what I mean. I'd be the most boring ever. I'd do the job but I can't wear the clothes that go with it."

She was so frustrated that I can feel it warm my coffee. I was so carefree that urgency is slipping out of my fingertips. She had everything going for her and yet she wanted to break free. Little did she know that everything was just in the right place. Little did she know that every boring day was meant for a responsibility she was built for. Sometimes great things lie ahead of us but we are too much consumed looking at today. Little did she know that when someone says they're proud of her, they mean it as if they were the ones who achieved so much.

People have been trying to teach me so much but I've absorbed so little. But if there's one thing I know, it is that we have to be true to our skin. Rejoice that you can't sit still when you know something's amiss. Rejoice in your obsessive compulsiveness while I forget dates and occasions. Rejoice in the people who trust you so much. I am happy now. I loathe in my unorthodox ways. But mostly, I am happy knowing that in my messy ways, I have a particular role. Not all of us will be on the limelight. And not all those in the limelight enjoy it as much as other people would. But everything falls in place when we are real, when we're true to ourselves and when we have great friends by our side.

I learned so much from you, without you trying to teach me anything. :*

Aye aye Captain! Wink :)

does it count when i don't feel the guilt?

Waaaah! Someone throw a brick at my head (just not the face please, I can't afford reconstructive surgery just yet).

I wish I could say bluntly the naughty episodes in my head. I wish I could bare everything so everyone else can devour on the juicy little details. I know my reputation is worse than who I really am. I feel guilt for the tiniest things. But not last night. Last night doesn't count. It was something I just had to do.

I know every other girl in many forms and maybe varying degrees has something she yearns for. It may not be as naughty or as evil or as mean as the next girl's whim but it is something she just can't get her morality to accept or do. It can be as shallow as making a virtual burn book in your head, gossiping about your ex's new girl or coveting your girlfriend's shoes. Every girl has desires whether she admits it or not.

I watched "Quills" about two hours ago and it is timely I saw this movie too.
I am sane. Last night, I was able to just go with my gut and now I don't feel the slightest remorse for it. I did what I wanted to do and really no harm done.


I am happy and like the gay guys in Meet the Spartans, I am skipping awkwardly across the room... Spread the love! :)

i woke up and im not in love with you

The day I saw you, I did not feel anything. I was shocked.

Six months, I tried to tame my heart. Six months of talking to him and talking to my friends and talking to myself. Few days before I saw you I had to make a disclaimer of how you and I should just be friendly. I was telling you, but I was telling myself more.

Then I saw you. It felt nothing. My heart almost said "Nge".
I'm over you and I don't know if it was my sickness or my newfound love or all the weight I lost in the couple of weeks, but I know that I'm over you. Maybe God answered my prayers. I have been praying for guidance for a while now. I was praying because I was such a sad little girl.

It was three years in the making. All I needed was for you not to make a move. I needed for you to be still.
I kept holding on because you had your ways of keeping me.

I am happy now. You are too. I will always look at you fondly. I am thankful to have been part of your life. You were part of my life. A very big chunk of what I am right now is mostly cause of you.

Thank you for inspiring me. Thank you for telling me that it's okay to feel beautiful; it's okay to want more; it's okay to be an achiever.

I love you and I always will love the person you are trying to become. til then. :)

you can send it thru mail

im sure its there.
cause what i have here is plastic.
its pretty and brand new. but it wont do.
it beats with perfect rhythm pumping all those bad
and squeezing them clean.
it gets enough air
the juice is pure and the red is brighter.
but i just dont think it would do.

unlike mine, this is mechanical.
it can take a heavy beating too.
it has a special valve for 'smile'.
and another for 'dont give up and try'
in goes the bad blood and out goes the new.
lub-dup lub-dup doo be doo be dooo
it beats in harmony.
it is perfect, i won't lie.
my friends are begging to give it a try.
but im ready to trade it back now.
can i please have my old one soon?

sure its not new, but it is mine.
its got my name carved on the left chamber
and some beat-up carvings on the right.
a lil bruised and out of shape.
there can be no mistake.
if you dont mind,
im owning it back...just in time.

so please do search for it,
be still and listen. maybe you'd hear it.
it beats faintly now.
but it might still be beating for you.

it might come as a shock that you have it.
you see,
all these time, you've had it.
im ready to give it to someone else.

id like to have it back please.
put it in a box that says FRAGILE.

Don't abuse your luck

"Fuck. I didn't wake up again."

"Is that the same class you over cut?"

Leaves with half a bath. Drives like a constipated old spinster.
Arrives 30 minutes late in a one hour class.

Yes. I wasn't absent. And i got a high grade
from the last test! Wipeedoo. Suck it ;)

SMS message sent

1 message received:
Don't abuse your luck.

I have always been lucky. As a child, I've won trips to US and Hong Kong, expensive appliances and brand new things-I-have-already-won from Pop's previous golf tournament raffle. I was always chosen delegate of my batch in (ironically) prayers of the faithful, quiz bees, student of the month and dance shows.

Lucky was a familiar feeling.

We were never rich, but somehow I had the coolest toys from the gigantic Littlest pet shop, Dishwasher which functions with real soap and bubbles, sound activated little poodle and I'd go shopping spree in Gift gate, Sanrio, Guess and all those tired brands we loathed in as kids. Well maybe I was a little spoiled. But I consider it being very lucky.

I never had a curfew in my entire life.(Well maybe once, last month my mom said to be home before 5 am because she was leaving for the farm.)

I came to UP Pep squad at such a convenient time that I never had to be an "applicant" and I was fortunate enough to be in several dances that same year!

I extended my stay in UP and the squad until the fifth year, and low and behold, we are Champions in UAAP!

I pretty much partied my entire time in college, underachiever BS Biology majoring in gimiks and cheerleading. Last December, I took my NMAT without studying properly, and I got pretty high. Lucky girl. Well, maybe I am smart but factoring in all my idiotic stupendous decisions, BOY AM I LUCKY.

I eat like a cow, I can't survive without a bag of chips or 1000 calories of chocolate a day. My sugar level is high and I am lucky I don't look like a diabetic hippo.

Romisa, my best friend since forever, left before college to migrate in Canada. But at the same year I found Clang and the rest of the interesting better-than-replacements [haha.. I didn't want to be too cheesy].

Anton, my gay [just playing] best friend whom I see almost everyday because I go to their house to eat and sleep on a regular basis [thanks tita chikee], left for 5 months for the States and I was left without a partner in crime. Weeks later was the rebirth of a more depraved criminal, my twin star.

I have always gotten what I wanted. In high school, Romisa's motto was "Expect the Unexpected." And mine was "Never stress yourself too much." I believe in the minimal effort with optimal gain. Short cut is best if it doesn't sacrifice profit. wink!

Come college, I started realizing how it was to fail. True, there's nothing that fails more than success. You become passive and you put your guard down. You lose the state of panic and urgency. My luck is running dry, but it still manages to surprise me bit by bit.

And now, I don't know whether to consider myself as an optimist telling myself that "Things will fall into place." and consider myself one very lucky gal


OR


To start realizing that not everything goes according to plan, and my luck is written on thin onion skin paper.

Don't get me wrong, I am a passionate worker. I am passionate about dance and every little thing I have to do. It's just that when things go weird on me, there's some convenience in knowing for a fact that in the end, I'll get the better half of luck.
So I continue to pray I do.

I am stubborn in so many ways, and I just hope and pray that I don't abuse my luck too much that I'd have to run after it or beg for little luck dust from other people.

I got a plastic crown with gems you made with bare hands

And I'm ungrateful.

Sometimes you feel like the world owes you.
Yes, you're not the smartest, not the prettiest, not an heiress, not extraordinary. But you still feel like things should revolve around you. Well, I do. I feel like that a lot of times in a week, and it's NOT too great of a feeling.

I am selfish in so many ways. I know it is not serving me well, but I just can't stop. It's not like a drug addiction that I have some chemicals to blame for altering my perception. I'm just too selfish sometimes that I take advantage of you. I do it, just because I can. It is wrong, and I ought to stop behaving this way.

But slowly, I fool myself.
You are just too convinced I'm a princess, and it is really hard to turn down such a glamorous offer.


So maybe you should stop too before I ask for an entire kingdom made of graham crackers.

Steppin out of the sandbox

I'm stepping out of the sandbox. You can't stop me just cause 'di kayo bati'. Yes, it does feel like I'm dealing with toddlers, that I am one too. I must grow up.

We are friends, really good friends. But it's not about taking sides. I can't just go on passing on out of town adventures, or being friends with really interesting people just 'cause you don't like them. How many smiles have I forced on myself to welcome some girl you just met at a bar. How many girls have you brought to the guy I like, just cause we're not official. Dicks don't mix I get it, but don't you dare to wonder- where have all the old girls gone.

It sucks to be in a gimik barkada who doesn't grow up. When the fun subsides, its just them boys who are tight. I miss my 'ates'. I envy their courage, they've all stepped out of the sandbox. They stepped out not because it's not fun anymore, but because it's all about fun.

How many boyfriends have you rejected?
How many friendships have you tried to stop?
How many issues have you made bigger, just 'cause the girls have other clicks.

I'm sorry if I'm offending you. But it just gets clearer to me. The poor girl did not deserve to be judged. "Now she's branded" you say and you tried to stop it. I don't really think so. You failed her. I failed her, in the time she needed us most. She ventured out into the world without us catching her back. And I should feel bad.

What about the other one who tried so hard to keep his boy so distant, and the other one who's passionately in love but you'd still say "Nah, that guy's a loser". The sweet girl did not have to make excuses. Maybe these girls go, 'cause that's JUST how you see us-- just girls, or chicks even. Who wouldn't loathe in the flattery, in the fun, in the adventures? But who would choose to just have that? Apparently, I.

I am the only one left. For a good reason too, 'cause I know my loyalties.

But sometimes, you have to ask, when does this loyalty expire.

Everyone needs a little shaking up. Go ahead and say, 'mapapalitan ka naman eh'.
Go ahead and say, 'She's just being dramatic'.

There's that entire other side, where bigger boys and girls slide and ride see-saws. Maybe I'm up for another time on the monkey bars. Maybe I'm the only one keeping myself in senseless shovels amongst sand. Maybe I should leave this playground. Maybe, maybe, but I'm definitely stepping out of this box.

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No disclaimers.
This is how I feel.