does it count when i don't feel the guilt?

Waaaah! Someone throw a brick at my head (just not the face please, I can't afford reconstructive surgery just yet).

I wish I could say bluntly the naughty episodes in my head. I wish I could bare everything so everyone else can devour on the juicy little details. I know my reputation is worse than who I really am. I feel guilt for the tiniest things. But not last night. Last night doesn't count. It was something I just had to do.

I know every other girl in many forms and maybe varying degrees has something she yearns for. It may not be as naughty or as evil or as mean as the next girl's whim but it is something she just can't get her morality to accept or do. It can be as shallow as making a virtual burn book in your head, gossiping about your ex's new girl or coveting your girlfriend's shoes. Every girl has desires whether she admits it or not.

I watched "Quills" about two hours ago and it is timely I saw this movie too.
I am sane. Last night, I was able to just go with my gut and now I don't feel the slightest remorse for it. I did what I wanted to do and really no harm done.


I am happy and like the gay guys in Meet the Spartans, I am skipping awkwardly across the room... Spread the love! :)

i woke up and im not in love with you

The day I saw you, I did not feel anything. I was shocked.

Six months, I tried to tame my heart. Six months of talking to him and talking to my friends and talking to myself. Few days before I saw you I had to make a disclaimer of how you and I should just be friendly. I was telling you, but I was telling myself more.

Then I saw you. It felt nothing. My heart almost said "Nge".
I'm over you and I don't know if it was my sickness or my newfound love or all the weight I lost in the couple of weeks, but I know that I'm over you. Maybe God answered my prayers. I have been praying for guidance for a while now. I was praying because I was such a sad little girl.

It was three years in the making. All I needed was for you not to make a move. I needed for you to be still.
I kept holding on because you had your ways of keeping me.

I am happy now. You are too. I will always look at you fondly. I am thankful to have been part of your life. You were part of my life. A very big chunk of what I am right now is mostly cause of you.

Thank you for inspiring me. Thank you for telling me that it's okay to feel beautiful; it's okay to want more; it's okay to be an achiever.

I love you and I always will love the person you are trying to become. til then. :)

you can send it thru mail

im sure its there.
cause what i have here is plastic.
its pretty and brand new. but it wont do.
it beats with perfect rhythm pumping all those bad
and squeezing them clean.
it gets enough air
the juice is pure and the red is brighter.
but i just dont think it would do.

unlike mine, this is mechanical.
it can take a heavy beating too.
it has a special valve for 'smile'.
and another for 'dont give up and try'
in goes the bad blood and out goes the new.
lub-dup lub-dup doo be doo be dooo
it beats in harmony.
it is perfect, i won't lie.
my friends are begging to give it a try.
but im ready to trade it back now.
can i please have my old one soon?

sure its not new, but it is mine.
its got my name carved on the left chamber
and some beat-up carvings on the right.
a lil bruised and out of shape.
there can be no mistake.
if you dont mind,
im owning it back...just in time.

so please do search for it,
be still and listen. maybe you'd hear it.
it beats faintly now.
but it might still be beating for you.

it might come as a shock that you have it.
you see,
all these time, you've had it.
im ready to give it to someone else.

id like to have it back please.
put it in a box that says FRAGILE.

Don't abuse your luck

"Fuck. I didn't wake up again."

"Is that the same class you over cut?"

Leaves with half a bath. Drives like a constipated old spinster.
Arrives 30 minutes late in a one hour class.

Yes. I wasn't absent. And i got a high grade
from the last test! Wipeedoo. Suck it ;)

SMS message sent

1 message received:
Don't abuse your luck.

I have always been lucky. As a child, I've won trips to US and Hong Kong, expensive appliances and brand new things-I-have-already-won from Pop's previous golf tournament raffle. I was always chosen delegate of my batch in (ironically) prayers of the faithful, quiz bees, student of the month and dance shows.

Lucky was a familiar feeling.

We were never rich, but somehow I had the coolest toys from the gigantic Littlest pet shop, Dishwasher which functions with real soap and bubbles, sound activated little poodle and I'd go shopping spree in Gift gate, Sanrio, Guess and all those tired brands we loathed in as kids. Well maybe I was a little spoiled. But I consider it being very lucky.

I never had a curfew in my entire life.(Well maybe once, last month my mom said to be home before 5 am because she was leaving for the farm.)

I came to UP Pep squad at such a convenient time that I never had to be an "applicant" and I was fortunate enough to be in several dances that same year!

I extended my stay in UP and the squad until the fifth year, and low and behold, we are Champions in UAAP!

I pretty much partied my entire time in college, underachiever BS Biology majoring in gimiks and cheerleading. Last December, I took my NMAT without studying properly, and I got pretty high. Lucky girl. Well, maybe I am smart but factoring in all my idiotic stupendous decisions, BOY AM I LUCKY.

I eat like a cow, I can't survive without a bag of chips or 1000 calories of chocolate a day. My sugar level is high and I am lucky I don't look like a diabetic hippo.

Romisa, my best friend since forever, left before college to migrate in Canada. But at the same year I found Clang and the rest of the interesting better-than-replacements [haha.. I didn't want to be too cheesy].

Anton, my gay [just playing] best friend whom I see almost everyday because I go to their house to eat and sleep on a regular basis [thanks tita chikee], left for 5 months for the States and I was left without a partner in crime. Weeks later was the rebirth of a more depraved criminal, my twin star.

I have always gotten what I wanted. In high school, Romisa's motto was "Expect the Unexpected." And mine was "Never stress yourself too much." I believe in the minimal effort with optimal gain. Short cut is best if it doesn't sacrifice profit. wink!

Come college, I started realizing how it was to fail. True, there's nothing that fails more than success. You become passive and you put your guard down. You lose the state of panic and urgency. My luck is running dry, but it still manages to surprise me bit by bit.

And now, I don't know whether to consider myself as an optimist telling myself that "Things will fall into place." and consider myself one very lucky gal


OR


To start realizing that not everything goes according to plan, and my luck is written on thin onion skin paper.

Don't get me wrong, I am a passionate worker. I am passionate about dance and every little thing I have to do. It's just that when things go weird on me, there's some convenience in knowing for a fact that in the end, I'll get the better half of luck.
So I continue to pray I do.

I am stubborn in so many ways, and I just hope and pray that I don't abuse my luck too much that I'd have to run after it or beg for little luck dust from other people.