I just had to.

2009 has been "boring".
It was the kind of boring that came with relief.

As I was almost convincing myself that my old ways were rare and almost gone, I had to catch myself in party clothes doing the walk of shame.

What was I thinking? Right, I wasn't.

It could have been the lack of emotions that stirred in me when I confronted the ghosts of my Christmas pasts, the wives of my two recent relationships, that I had to do something crazy. I expected to feel outraged or extremely uncomfortable that one night I agreed to mingle with my past boyfriends and their current girlfriends. But in all honesty, I felt nothing spectacular. There were tiny moments of awkwardness but my expectations were all let down -- in a good way too.
And to blame it on that is but a silly excuse.

It could have been that I was bored; party true, partly an excuse.

I was lonely.
And as true as this may be, I should stop using it as a license.

I needed some confirmation, I needed to bridge the gaps of my worlds. I needed to feel that my change is true. No change is genuine without a relapse. No recovering addict drops it all cold turkey and never uses again. Or maybe those success cases just never get publicized?

I had to prove something to myself.
And whether I proved "it" or not, I still do not know.

I was nearing the end of a pretty boring year, and I just had to make "non-sense" about it. I have been doing things that have a cause, things that actually mean something, that somehow I feel like I have become boring.
Boring is good, boring is becoming mature. - so I tell myself.

Boring would have been good for him.

I just had to do one of my social experiments- little did I know that it was on me.
It was fun while it lasted.
Whether or not it is completely at its end, I do not know yet.

There are a lot of things I do not know. There are a lot of things I am at peace not knowing. There are quite a few I'd pursue.

Right now, I know that I am happy that my past is my past. I am ready to move on.
At the same time, I am a little fearful and excited about the future.

Maybe I would not have so many things that I just have to do.

I'll take a full day and allow myself to process the last week, the last month, the last year and the last decade.
Then, I'll get back to you.

New assignment

I shall resuscitate this blog and give it an entire new life.
Of course I'd still write about me, but I'll find my twist.

Hmm the frustrated dancer?
The single life?
The arrested development of a med student?
The overachiever that drives love away?
Random every day bitchfits?

I can't seem to find my words yet.
I've always had this illusion that when I'm 25, like a fairy tale, I'll magically transfom into this woman.
Kriska at 25 will be (put womanly characteristics here).

So just like in the fairytale, all I did was my everyday girly_ness and wished upon a star that on October 18 2010:
Poof, I'm 5'10 tall with a body of a supermodel or atleast my mom's skinny legs and I'm all that - mature, driven, engaged to be married.

Boy I had it bad huh?

Well let's see how this blog transforms. I'll have tonight to dream about it.

Teaching myself to be quiet

Mostly everyone who knows me, knows a big chunk of the little things about me- the crazy girl, the party girl, outspoken, seldom shy, the dancer, the girl who isn't afraid to dress up or dress down in any occasion, anywhere.
I am the girl who had tried this or that, and in all directions too.
I am the girl who can be passionate as an ecclectic artist and as oblivious as a cheerleader.
I am the girl who knows a lot of people but always the last to know of people and their gossips.
I am the girl who accepts clicks and groups as a fact of life but sincerely believes I can learn from anyone, from everyone, no matter how much I refuse to look at their face and no matter how much I deny.
I never cheated on a test. But I cheated on my boy friend, technicalities aside.
My boy friend cheated on me, (technicalites aside), I forgave him and punished him sublimely, really, without him knowing.
I can do damage to anyone with a feeble image of himself. Anyone who sincerely pities himself has no real chance of success. And anyone who thinks that he's too good to learn anything more is a fool.
I am pushy. I am encouraging. I am inspiring. I can drive people mad. They love me or they hate me, I can live with that and I can live without that.
BUT
I am quiet. I am insecure. I like books. I am responsible. I observe people, things, the color of the skies and I jot down whatever feelings or thoughts they give me.
People don't perceive me as the type who'd spend an entire afternoon alone with a good cup of coffee and book.
People don't know about my plans for the future and the wonderful things I turned down for a mere shot at the future I wanted. All they know is that I want to be a beauty doctor. But really, you tell people what they want to hear. You tell people what is easy to say.
You tell people the truth, but they hear the echoes of their truths. These are the things you let go by.
I have all these inspirations in my head, topics I want to write about and things I want to do. I have these stories in my head that needs to be verbalized. But I haven't written in so long, I am rusty and insecure. I will find time for these characters and settings and moments to live in words. I will find time to write about people around me. I am afraid I won't do them justice so I write about myself.
'Cause everything is about me.
'Cause everything is about you.
That's why you try to relate to the things I say, you identify with my rants, my realizations and my habit of thinking aloud.
Every person craves relevance. Every person wants to say something about themselves, but not everyone uses words or art. Some people seem to keep too much to themselves. Those people are types I have yet to appreciate.
Now, I teach myself to be quiet. I let myself be quiet. I go back to my book. I let myself be content with jotting down the ideas in my head in my little maroon notebook. Someday I will write about them, someday I will surpass myself, someday I will something extraordinary but now, I learn to keep to myself.

been a while, about time.

I haven't written anything here in a long time, I haven't been the blogger I once was, I haven't been ranting as much as I used to.

I guess it comes with the changes that are happening to me, subtly, I must say.

I told myself to take my time, and let things take its natural course, and it did.

I am happy.

Apart from any boy.
Apart from the new shoes or the bag I want to buy myself.

I am finally being just me and all of me. I thought I was lost. I felt like things were in full speed and I had to delay so much; well more like retard. I thought being the person I want to be meant forgetting who I was, and changing so much of who I am right now. I missed my old friends, I thought I had to let everyone go from the past. But I've realized I really don't have to. And I'm glad.

But I just had to breathe in. Take my chance, and find myself among people who are a little like me, wanting the same thing I want.

I just had to let go of the things, the people who were bringing me down. And in time, I will forgive myself and I will forgive him. And although that time is not now, I am relieved. I am relieved with how happy I can be.

It's been a while.
It's about time.

Right now, all I wish for is not to be such a spender. I wish to be able to balance everything I have committed myself to. Little things with big expectations.
But I have my hopes up for a sweet dear friend, I hope she finds her way. And my hope for my best friend is that he finds something worth the effort.

:)

i need to forgive myself.

I thought I was doing fine. I thought I was handling it well. I thought I was strong.
But the ghosts of my 2008 is catching up well with me.

I want to leave it behind.
We have made our peace.
I loved you and I do love you. The break up is taking forever but it is clearer now.
We can do this.
We can forgive each other.
I feel that you love me but we are past the boiling point.

Thank you for being nice to me in the ways you know how.
I know I am not alone in the pain.
I know that maybe you'll never understand it the way I experienced it.

We have made peace with each other.
It is time I search for my peace.

I need to grieve.
I need to let go of the "what ifs"
I need to let her go.
I need to forgive myself.

Lord, I pray you give me the strength to start today.