Today's advice: Google it out.

Two days ago, after hearing that my friend checked his Chinese horoscope forecast for 2008, I did a little googling on my own too. I am guilty in turning into Google or wikipedia for life's hardest questions. [haha]

FACT 1: Every year's end I evaluate my life and genuinely hope to better myself in the next year
DILEMMA: I need to decide, love him or leave him?

ACTION: Google it out.

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In discretion, I changed the signs. Oh the art of telling in symbols!

Male MANGO with Female Ox

The male mango is a social butterfly, as odd as that image may seem, and enjoys stepping out once in a while. But everyone that steps out must inevitably step back in, and that's where the female Ox applies her skills. She will craft a home environment that will make even the most hedonistic of Mangoes want to stay home as often as possible, and his happiness will be her happiness.

[SO TRUE> but is this telling me to actually make a move?]

In return she will be willing to shine on his arm for special occasions. She will also rein in his tendencies to scatter money like raindrops at the slightest prompting [OH GIFTS I LOVE GIFTS!], and may rid him of several unwanted friends in the process [UNWANTED FRIENDS! lol kriska, lol! I can hear myself with a scheming demonic laugh on this one. But really, do I want this? eyelashes batting]. These two Signs will come to grow fond of their little differences, and will grow old together in complacent joy. [NOW that's a promise huh.]

Let's check out the other guy.

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Male APPLE with Female Ox

These two Signs see everything in their relationship as a question of trust- -- specifically who can trust whom with what. The male apple needs to keep the lines of communication open to his partner, and not withdraw into a sulk when some small thing isn't exactly the way he wants it. The female Ox in turn can reassure him when his fears are triggered by any unnerving circumstances in the outside world. [But should I reassure him when I am not sure?]

They will grow together into a mutually supportive tower of strength [True, we're like best of friends now but that role's taken already], cemented with an abiding regard for each other's reliability. This pair is going to stay the course, and since both Signs involved are very keen on starting a family together, a wedding may be just around the bend for their friends and family to attend. [Oh hell no, no family, no weddings, I'm just kidding about wanting to wed!]

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OH COME ON! Who am I kidding. It's not a question of compatibility of signs. I've long ago decided on who gets my heart. The real problem is I have not had it back yet. I have been hoping that feelings will change. And they have, I have grown fonder and fonder of the apple but I can't help it if mango wins my taste buds. I thought I could learn to unlike the sweet and bitter taste of mango but I keep looking for it, hoping one day it ripens. OH CRAP! I'm fucked.

Four hours ago, mango with his wine intoxication said HE STILL LOVES ME. I want to cry. In three months, I barely thought of him. Willingly, I dismissed the slightest thought of him. I loathed in the comfort apple gave me. I loathed in his patience. He loves me. He really does, that should be enough. I am lucky to have that much attention. I have said many times over I love him. I do. I have to. But these four words kept ringing in my ear, why did he have to say them? Why?

TASK: Make a decision and stick to it.

DEADLINE: January 1, 2008

ACTION: Google "How did Cinderella find her ever after" OR "Hopeless love, how to make it stop"

Settling the score

Falloutboy: Happy birthday!
Birthdaygirl: Oh thanks, but you do know it's not til the 18th right? LOL
Falloutboy: I know. But I thought I'll get ahead. You'll be partying and I might not be able to catch you.
Birthdaygirl: Thanks. So how you been?
Falloutboy: I'm okay. Just a little upset about your blog.
But I thought about it... i guess it is better that way :) You got that out of your chest at least right...Just as long as youre ok na.
Birthdaygirl: You should know that whatever I wrote is true right. But also imagine the scenario. I was still drunk when I wrote that. It was a day before you leaving and there was just too much drama. I was drunk. Hello.
Falloutboy: But that part where I can’t defend myself bothers me.
... like i said before.. it was because i know our lives are in different places already.. i tried not to see it that way. but that incident showed me that we are in different places... so i started randomly enjoying my stay...
...true wanted to be with you more.. but its just that..
...i cant be....
...you have your life.. i have mine... youre home... im in a foreign land...
...youll be in a happier place without me :)
...get me? :)
Birthdaygirl: all that... when we both knew we want to be with each other.
Birthdaygirl: you dint have to push me away like that you know.
Falloutboy: well you pushed first :)
you cant help also how that incident completely changed the way i saw you...
you know? :)
Birthdaygirl: yes. its quite sad really.
i really think i didnt do anything wrong..

I just like writing and well I do owe it to him to settle the score.
So here's something that I think is an appropriate reply to the "INDECENCY"

[From here on, you should read this as if a man, well a boy in man's body is speaking. Speaking to himself as he doesn't really engage into "serious" talks other than when he's drunk]

I loved her. I was in love.

But that means nothing now. There are things more important.

I've never really considered anyone in my future as it is uncertain with me alone.

I have dreams greater than myself right now.

It's hard enough to muster all that courage to move away from the comforts of my home, my family, just to step up to the responsibility bestowed on me.

I don't want to leave anymore. I want to stay here.

Everyone has ambitions. Everyone has dreams. But not everyone is willing to take the risk and make things happen. There is one thing I am sure of in my life, and everything else, including my life, would have to wait.

See, I never really wanted to hurt her. Not any of them. NOT HER.

But seeing her that night changed so much. It made me realize –this is it. This is the end. So, I just let go.

And although people perceive me in such a way, I choose not to talk. Not my style, really.

Weather is going to be cold in a couple of months..I just hope my dream is bigger than my emotions

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You know how it is when you watch movies, romantic flicks and all that sorts? You want to scream at the TV… “Why don’t you just say it kase!”

Well apparently, things don’t work that way.

Words get lost in the actions we choose. We really do become the people we project to be.

What I see here is a boy struggling with his dreams, with a ghost of loved one and immense pressure and a taint of doubt.

On the other end is a girl, in love with what was, loving someone she can't.

She writes on her journal: if people walk out of your life they should have enough decency to stay out. if not, at least have enough self-respect to keep them out.

--------------------------It is a mantra we have to keep telling ourselves.

It is all a matter of perspectives here. Have you read my favorite blog?
A guise of smile

One for the ladies: It's called decency

And i did it for your mother.

There's a fine line with having fun and being an ASSHOLE. To think you made me feel like a complete sl*t when I showed up in a bar with some guy you despised. You made me think how my ways SHOULD make me feel bothered like I'm some girl gone wild when I haven't done anything.... nothing compared to the STUNT you pulled.

It is okay to do anything cause nothing binds us together. But it's called decency not to do it upfront. Just like I smoke but will never smoke infront of my mom.

YOU SAY it was nothing and it meant nothing. (TALK ABOUT BEER GOGGLES) But that's besides the point. YOU HAVE TO GET OVER YOURSELF. A high score in some test doesn't give you license to trample on people's emotions, people who really DID consider having that friendship with you. OH MY DEAR LORD, I don't want you back! You have to shove that in your head. Here I am thinking how selfish I am getting when it is you who THINK EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU.

I am really happy with how things WERE. I have someone I can look up to, someone who kept me in check. Someone who inspired me to be better in just everything. I was having fun and I liked how selfless I could get. I enjoyed the nonsense talks, the shopping, the monkeying around and that part where you shared your dreams.

But just like a little girl looking up to his father, learning he was some Drug Lord or some little girl holding on a dear teddy bear, just to find out it was stolen, I felt robbed.

I felt robbed.

I feel bad and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Right now, it's not about what IT SEEMS anymore. Pride tells me not to talk. Friends tell me to hold it in. But I am talking, I am talking.

I am talking because this is about an END.

This is the part I give up. All these years I saw a person that nobody else did. I saw the dreamer who could actually make things possible. I saw beyond what a reputation dictates. Not just because I loved you, but because I believed in you. I believed in you without you wanting me to. And it's something I just had to, something I did, something I can not and will not ever take against you.

It's funny how a single NOTHING can change so much.

You tell me seeing me with him that night made you realize how I have my own world. I did nothing but to make your stay sweet as possible, making you priority; writing your essay; waking you up to make sure you studied for your test; checking up on you after your gimiks.

AND this is how it ends. TWO DAYS before you leave, you shove it all to my face.

You're probably saying right now "What did I ever do to you"

The reason you don't know, the reason you have no idea, the reason why you think you didn't deserve that slap on your face is very simple...

You are much too self-absorbed.

It's not about how a boyfriend treats her girlfriend.
It's not about how a brother treats his little sister.
Heck, it's not even about how friends treat each other.

IT'S ABOUT DECENCY.
IT'S ABOUT BASIC RESPECT.

IT'S ABOUT YOU MAKING ME FEEL THE HELL OVER SOMETHING WHEN YOU'RE THERE DOING "NOTHING" AND MAKING ME FEEL SO BAD ABOUT MYSELF.

You say at this point, you don't exist.
And it's probably going to be really lonely when you're back there.

But unlike before, this time, you've got one less person thinking about you, wishing that you're okay, praying for your dreams to come true.

You wanted me to get over it cause you think I am so in love with you. Well there you go.

I am not ashamed to say that hey, I really do love this guy. I loved him enough to let him go. I loved him enough to pray at night that he finds courage to leave and accomplish his dreams.

I do love you and it wasn't even about being in a relationship. I loved the person you wanted to be. I loved everything, even your foolish ways. IT WAS NEVER about being your girl. If I wanted a boyfriend, we both know I could have one. Someone who loves me and treats me WAY better than you can dream of doing.

I loved loving you because it was the first time I loved anyone without conditions. It was the first solid proof that I wasn't completely jaded and selfish.

BUT everyone has their limits.
I sucked it up last night cause you didn't deserve your night to be ruined. I sucked it up cause your mom asked me to.

TODAY is a different day.
A little girl can only do so much.

Your brother is right. WE WERE NEVER FRIENDS. We should stop pushing it.
And even if this blog wreaks of bitterness,
I know I am okay.

I will be okay. Because I am true to myself.

We had a good run.
I know I will never have as much fun, disgust, appreciation, awe and admiration for anyone as I did for the overconfident smart-ass rocker wannabe.

But if it will just END this way, in a NOTHING way, then am I glad it will never happen for me again.

Goodbye my dear.
I will always have fond memories of you and I will always love your family. But the letting go part is WAY overdue. Don't fool yourself, we can never be friends cause this is the point I realize I can't be friends with all my exes.


Now that's done.... My birthday's to come. There will always be something to cheer about.

DISCLAIMER: GUYS, it's not as bad as it sounds. And it's not a lie either... Girls would agree with me on this one. Some "days" you're just more emotional. AND I'm a frustrated-writer wanna be. :) It was my alter ego "Kiwi" speaking...

Yes I know, you told me so.

Can i just say...When I see you and him together, I can't help but smile..:p i know its difficult but i see the difference in what you have. I know you love him and it sucks things are the way they are but what matters is you had your time together. Just cause you love yourself doesn't mean you didn't love at all...Love isn't about your all anyway. There's always got to be some room for yourself.

It's funny really.
It's quite amusing how you learn the things you've always known.
I always get "I told you so".
I always get unsolicited advices from my sisters, from my friends and from nosy little parkers.

But I've always done things my way, the painful way.

Right now, this blog sounds too much like it's all about him. NO, not really. It's about me. It's always about me.

He just made me realize so much about myself. And it sucks to finally admit some things as true. It sucks to learn things when you've already done something you can't take back. It sucks that you see yourself as a different person but then your actions prove otherwise.

At the end of the night, I know who I really am.

But what does that mean really. Does it account for anything at all when no other person can see it? Do you really have to go emo and bare your soul just to prove you actually have a soul?

I can't come to everyone about things that depress me. I come to you. I come to him. Several times, I told him how I am worried that I might be playing with emotions already. How I want to change some of my ways. He tells me, It's okay and now's the time to do whatever I want, cause I AM YOUNG. I've done something out of line apart from the many others. It really wasn't my intention. But whatever the intention was, the point was I did something that hurt my friends.

No matter how much I say that it was something insignificant, I have to own up to what I've done.

My sister tells me that I seem not to know any boundaries. Party girl or not, some things don't have to be said anymore. It's like I always have to experience both sides of the spectrum before I realize what's true for me.

They say you learn from your mistakes. But what's the point really if all that you' ve learned comes from the mistakes you've made. Do I really have to fall before I trust? Why can't I just take your word for it.

I'm a knuckle head, that's why.

And now I feel bad for many things. I feel bad about me. It's not your fault you made me realize how much of an ass I am. Oh sorry, you meant asshole.
Losing something, losing someone AGAIN, losing someone you've never really had is really not my favorite thing.

I am not liking you right now. But I'm not liking myself more.

You inspire me above all. I get so hyped up in just thinking of my goals and how much I want to achieve. You make me want to be that girl again. And with just that, I can't be bitter about anything. It's not a relationship I'm after, oh please. But I feel like the quality of our friendship doesn't count for much anymore. That's sad. But what's sadder is I know it's my fault.

I need to love myself the right way.
Being selfish is just not that.

It's funny really; how you learn things you've always known.
It's funny.
But I'm not laughing now.

Nice people don't say such things

As Victoria, the Queen of the unblemished told her followers, I am telling you again. There's a proper decorum you must observe. Back in the days when lollipop was a prized possession, we are taught what is right: what's appropriate and what not to say. We've mastered the art of please and thank you's and the ahhh's and hala's of the improper. We get a star if we're good and a raised eyebrow with matching tsk tsk tsk if we're not. So life became thus, a constant approval. Everyone expected to conform to a set of standards set before we were born.
In a country where the population grows way faster than you can say condom, it amazes me how 75% cannot even utter the word SEX without giggling. I can hear my pop saying: "It is the Catholic Church that encourages the proliferation of the poor so people become desperate and cling on to God."
Before I go deeper into the matters of demographics, society and influence of Religion [the things that really mean something] I will divert my attention into a psycho babble about those that satisfy our gossip hungry eyes. There's that thing the tactful call censorship, so what's left to do? Blog it.. NO sources required. wink!

I am giving myself ten minutes for this, so let's go down and dirty. Jotted down are random theories/revelations/hearsays/inventions from my alternate brain, emerging from my sore eye.

I may have cheated once or twice, but never on a quiz.

I can kiss you and it won't mean anything.

It is so much easier for me sleeping with him than giving you a smack on the lips, maybe because I like you..a lot.

You have a really bad odor, do you mind changing your shirt?

She's really way better than you and much prettier too.

[While making out with the love of his life] This doesn't change anything right?

I love the way I can never really have you, makes the chase worthwhile.

Yes, your haircut makes you look like a peacock from hell.

I am in love, and I seriously wish it was with you.

I am in love... but ask me again when September ends.

Ganja babe, oh my sweet Ganja babe, I love the way I love you and the way I misbehave.

He is my breath of fresh air. I like the way things are between us.

He's got the nicest cock I've ever seen.

I fell in love once, that's enough.

I think I'm destined to be a player all my life.

I don't want kids of my own. I know I'll be a bad mother.

I know you've been waiting but I've been out making babies.

I do like playing temptress but you'd never see what's under these clothes.

I was kissing you and I liked it too. But I couldn't get his face off my mind.

I started scribbling on thoughts

I started scribbling on thoughts about happy nothings and the price I pay...

I tried to recall with much amusement these awkward yet funny controversial events in my sweet sweet young life. The frantic story-telling goes on in my head. Syempre naman these episodes spell out F-U-N and they go darting in my conscious mind dragging some strings of "haay naku’s", "hala’s!" and "haha's". Then when the giggles and the laughing at me subside, I feel guilt. Guilty pleasure it is, that I do thrive in such situations. But I do feel guilt even in the littlest things that I’ve had myself become used to. I still feel guilty about little white lies, about missing class, about forgetting a classmate’s name, about not being my best in class, about a lot of things you’d think I don’t care about. I may have cheated my way into many things and people (think of all possible contexts except an exam, Yes I do not cheat my grades) but no matter how “usual” these things are to me, I could never ever get rid of the guilt. . Guilt is my twin (well besides my fantabulous lulu). I have guilt trailing my way everywhere I go.

So I punish myself for a lot of many little things I feel guilty about.
It's as if the world isn't conniving and twisted enough that I have this habit of "punishing" myself.

[Ok hold on, I hear my friends say: "No kaya, whatever. You punish yourself, you little brat?"]

"Pffffffttt......" STOP SIGN.
Friends, hear this one out! (wink)

I punish myself because I know I’m so much better than this. A little part of me is still an OC and that responsible trying hard nerd wearing green pumps. It’s the time to be that lady, but I so love the little girl. I punish myself in a way that nobody knows and it’s getting a little old. Someone told me that feeling guilty and seeing the little “wrongs” and not being comfortable with them makes me, fine. It says a lot about my character daw. Maybe so.

And as boring as my blogs get (without the “I-can-so-relate-let’s-be-emo-together-forever” responses); I just know that I love my guilty Wednesdays. I am happy.

He said. She said.

He said We could make it, we could show the world we could.
She said I can try. I guess we could.
She knows she's bound for a let down.
He needed her to say okay.
She needed him to atleast try.

Go ahead, be young, date boys and have fun.
He tells himself nobody can be as good as him, atleast not for her.
He needed her to say so, he needed to hear from her.
She said So I met a guy...
and his ears gone deaf.

LET GO ALREADY. I need you to let me go.
He meant every word. He doesn't need attachments, no distractions. No messy foul-ups from the past.
She said okay.
In her heart, there's just no way.
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What took you so long, I've been waiting...
[He's been waiting for an excuse for a break-up.]

I need some time off.
[In his mind, he wished forever.]

We're perfect for each other, If only I gave him more of my time.

She's out partying every night thinking maybe this could make me fine.
She dated, had flings and pretended to be okay.
He finally told himself She's fine now, there's no use getting in the way.
----
He said I never meant to hurt you,
He really didn't. How could he when he never even thought about you?
----
I don't know why he's so interested about my ex. But I guess it's fine, we talked for hours. He's got such a sweet voice.

She wouldn't stop talking about him. But I'd rather be a friend than nothing at all.

She said. He said.
Before I used to watch movies and scream at the Television: "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TELL HER..."

But it really is harder in reality to just spill it out. It's hard to muster up the courage and find the right things to say. Sometimes we think we say what we feel. But often there's that tingle in our stomach that tells us otherwise. It's hard enough that we can't find the right words to say, it's even harder to be taken too literally.

Guys aren't mind-readers, so you just have to say it.
Read between the lines.

Mostly it's those things we fail to mention, those things we intentionally leave out; those that gets lost in translation; those that words can't give value to...
those are the things that mean the most.

Everyone plays

Every girl should know her worth. I mean whatever her appeal is, whatever play she has in mind, or whether or not she has a play at all, her value should always be known. [By play, I don't mean cheaters meddling with people's thoughts and emotions. No naman!] It's an animal world out there with scheming motives and survival of those who know. Of course now I'm talking about the typical boy meets girl scenario but this is true in girl world and gay worlds too. [Btw, you can skip my blabbing and go straight to the numbered statements]
It's good to know how to market yourself. It's better if you can read people and know what they're after so you don't expect too much, too little or read things the wrong way. I mean yes, "I'm old enough" already. I do make my own decisions. It's not like as if my sister can dictate on me. But don't naman take everything I say or do too literally. Okay maybe this is the part where my better judgment falters. My friend always tell me: "Dont give him reason to think otherwise". That is if you don't like a guy. But sometimes it's just fun to have a little chase, a little thrill. Sometimes it's all about the chase!

A very honest and interesting talk with a girlfriend (and with most of my boy buddies) reveal that most of us are at the stage of self appraisal. I mean, if you're not into a relationship and you are very much enjoying the single life, you tend to creatively market yourself. You spend money and a lot of time shopping, or in the gym, or even excelling in school. I mean it all boils down to bettering yourself. Making yourself 'look good'. Sometimes, people go overboard and become too cocky thinking they have the right to go sneak around. I won't be righteous and say I've never or whatever. But I think we're a little too old for foul plays. Right now, I'm at that point where my better moral self has gone on vacation and I tend to tolerate little plays. For me, as long as you're both in the game and its not treachery, not cheating on a long term relationship, not against the law, then it is tolerable. It is okay not to be dead serious about every girl you meet. It is. I mean, you can't honestly fall for every nice person that comes your way right! And sometimes you just love yourself more. People (atleast those I'm exposed to) are so engrossed in making the future happen that they fail to make relationships work. This isn't bad at all. It is a little sad, but not evil. [Although the romantic in me is screaming: what if she could be it, and you left her and let go?]

Whether people would admit it or not, we are all in some kind of play. Everyone plays. No, everyone should play. It is all a game. The rules are kinda fuzzy and all and most of the times, there aren't just two fixed players. Sometimes we become older and the games we used to like before seem too corny. Sometimes we long for those we played when we were kids. Sometimes we play with ourselves, sometimes there's some sort of autopilot playing our name. But before anything else, we should acknowledge the game.

1) Surrender to Love. Even those easy to fall kind of guys have a play, it's called love suicide. It's seems stupid. But they get satisfaction in giving their all. This kind of surrender may be liberating.

2) You're my little secret. Popularized by that song in my teen years, often it is blamed on that moment of lapse of judgement [Blame it on the wine, the scotch, the little blue pill or the moment]. Whatever little thing takes the fall, people who engage in this kind are obviously thrill-seekers. The danger in here is that what if the other person falls or the secret becomes today's gossip news... uh-oh.

3) Automatic shotgun. There's another I call the American mode of attack. Fire on, hit on everyone and hope one bullet doesn't miss. I find this kind of desperate and sleezy. [Hint: who do you know tried going out with everyone...often same line pa like I'm leaving for abroad, or I'm a changed man]

4) Best friend or boy-next-door. Probably this is the most common of all. This guy probably has three or four girl bestfriends from different schools or groups. He's very maalaga and he's loved by all girls. But guys hate him. I wonder why. This mode naman is harmless, it's a little irritating lang to have a best guy friend go for you, right?

5) Angel syndrome. I named this one just cause I want to. It's when you really like someone or you're crushing on someone. And he seems like un-attainable and all. His little smirk seems like heaven! He's like your total angel. Then you get to know him, and he likes you back.. Suddenly you're no longer in heaven and he's too human. No more flying, no more chase...no more crush. Good bye, move on to the next heavenly body. {hahaha}

This list can go forever. There are a lot of hybrids too. But I'd skip about a dozen and go to my favorite.

BEST-) Unnumbred because it is on a pedestal. Called: Right smack where it hurts or Thrill for the Divine Unttainable. I don't know how to name this one. Maybe it could also be called "Naisahan ka". Sometimes when you lose, you're caught off guard and someone really hits you at your achilles' heel. It becomes a waterloo but eventually you recover. Your master plan is fogged and your strategies float to sea. You can't help yourself, when you find one worthy opponent who can make your knees tremble, you just keep coming back for more. Now that's a play huh. A play on you. You are smart and you know he doesn't have Spartan qualities naman. But something about the unattainable that keeps you ever interested. And when you've passed the same monopoly route so many times over and over, you recognize that you're just really loving the game. Not the person.

But don't you wish, sometimes you can just put all the Aces and Jokers aside for one game without scoresheets, without bets-- a game just for two without rules, a game fueled by passion, a game where cheating is impossible, a game without losers.

Why girls shouldn't have boy bestfriends

Subtitle: I refuse to say I was a princess.

This isn't one of those strategies boy-next-door player types do to win over a girl. I'm NOT talking about bestfriends turned lovers or the other way. I'm talking about real deal, decade old, you're-not-interesting-to-me-even-if-you-are-naked kind of friendship.

Of course, it has its perks. You always have an automatic cock block whenever someone hits on you. You get male opinions first hand (it's up to you to listen or not). You are updated about sports, cars (and hot new chicks) without having to pry or geting out of your way. You have outlets for your monthly rants and raves (whose ears go in automatic shut down at the first sigh). You get to expand your network and have a lot of girl friends from various social circles. You get to have a quiet but un--boring ordinary afternoon (as watching TV or laptop-ing is always the most popular past time). You have that utility of a very convenient stereotype of being weak-- never having to carry your own luggage, lift chairs, down drinks or drink your old man's poison and you're always shotgun in rides and a lot of other things. Plus you get that convenience of never being affected that you're the only girl in your barkada who doesn't have a boyfriend. They can be worthwhile substitutes for boyfriends too, with an added discount on the emotional baggage! Actually having boy bestfriends can turn a little girl's wish of becoming a princess into reality.

BUT.. Come on, it doesn't stop there. Just like we never knew what happened in the 'happily ever afters', there wasn't any field guide telling you that having boy bestfriends can really be (**beeeep**). First off, they will always have something to say about any guy you are dating or you just merely watched a movie with!

Look honey if you don't want to be treated less of a girl (cause boys can really get used to having you around that they don't even shower) don't have one. Of course they can never say you are getting fat, not that they're nice or whatever--- but just by plain reason they never check you out. [Not that I'd like to be checked out... eeewww no!] I just like to think I'm thin when I'm thin and know I'm fat when I'm fat (it is a girl thing).

I think the reason I became a cheerleader is because of those mountain-ous hours spent watching their ball games. If you don't want to be third wheel like half of your life, I say don't do it. If you don't want to be an object of jealousy or be used as a scape goat, bail out now. If you don't want to be treated less pretty (Hello admit it, every girl wants to feel she's pretty) and if you don't want to lose your communication skills, be happy with girl best buddies, I tell ya! Because there is not a single book that will tell you what to expect when you've had that loooong friendship with a boy. (NO matter how much you say you'd not be friends anymore, there's that level of attachment you divert from giving to your boyfriend--- as boyfriends at this age is temporary). I think I listened too much when my pop told me to put friends first. And how annoying would it be that he can't be the best man in your wedding as it is traditionally the groom who picks the best man.

And most of all, no book will tell you that you can't really own them. That's just how this fancy world works. What right have you if say, he gets a girlfriend you might not like? And how awful will you feel when you're not the closest girl to him na-- I mean duh, he can't stay unmarried forever just because you are best friends! Also, it will come to a point where you can't be too playful and hugging anymore. And it's just too weird (or atleast people would like to impose it is weird) to have all these emotions in you because people would assume you love the person more than a friend. Oh come on people!! Stop asking me if I ever dated my bestfriend, that's just too gross. Kase naman, we are malicious beings. Yes we are. That's the reason why girls shouldn't have boy friends. Girls would be friends forever. Boys would have to think of their careers, their girl friends and their wives. You can be friends for a decade or thirty years, but in the end you will always just be the best friend. You can never stop them from leaving.

I still say it's better to just dream of becoming a princess...

Don't have it on a borrowed time, cause there's nothing less glamorous than saying "was".

A land called undecisiva

There is a land called undecisiva and i am their queen.

Population is sparse, mostly women of different races and faces carrying baskets of whines and cheeses. Men are inferior, clueless mind readers. You see them jumping in and around the swings and shifts of their womens' moods and whims. Something about the air, or time or sun or sky that causes reversals in the atmosphere; a shift so quick and sudden. Total darkness at noon and bright sunny afternoon. It is a place and time, ever so mine. It is my land, my country where changing minds is the trend, promises are bent and the air tastes like fickle.

Beyond my seas is a land not too foreign. Legend has it that we are sisters. The land of dramatica and undecisiva existing under close kinship, under same reverence for emo.

I know I said I'm done. But darling check the time, it is past morning and almost noon, that's old news, expired and forgotten.

playing roles

i spoke to a substitute person once.

they use different words but their message is the same. they speak in soft voices, modulated with neutral accents. they speak with conviction and charisma. there are no hints of doubts or hesitations. i talked to one, and sought for others.

you see them smile, pausing on occasions to take breaths. Not heavily gasping for air, not sighs, just simple normal breaths. so with these encounters, i begin telling you.

it's not actually a lie; just a 68% truth.

i tell myself. it sounds right. i am convinced; i tell you. from my mouth to your ears, what lies in between? From what i mean to what you hear, 32% gets lost. i wonder, where does it go? Perhaps 8% is in my eyes as they twitch to the left. 12% sweats out my clamy fidgetting hands. And the rest? Its in the hoarseness of my voice, in the seconds I take to bite my lip. Its there somewhere when I step side to side. Perhaps it goes as I scratch the back of my head and wipe the moisture off my forehead. but who really knows?

Only the crazy hear voices in their head, so.. who, then are sane? I utter a word when I mean another, realizing it two days two late. There's chance to take it back in a week. But im too much of a coward so I wait. I let it pass. week turns to months then to a gruesome year, until there's no turning back.

if i had lied before without my notion, then this could be another. i just had to be sure. But now, so much has happened. Those that you can't dismiss. I'm finally ready as each month passes, truth surfaces from the layers of "i would nots", "dare nots", "could nots". But it is just too late.

So i continue telling you what i've said before in a masquerade of great pretenses. I fail at times. The message becomes unclear. the pitch of my voice vary. sometimes my words lack certainty. my words get jumbled up. i stutter. my tongue slips.

that is the reason you are confused. and im sorry. i'm not like the rest, you see. It would take a while before i master this. but hey, it is ok. being a substitue person keeps me yours.

[i wrote this for someone who lacked the guts to say it][now even in mystery, at least its out][everything can have its peace again]

good night kriska :)

A guise of smile

Why does everything point to that direction, that path you refuse to take?
There's a dim light that lies ahead but you are blinded. The shadows of the past are in stampede straight at you. At that moment, with the shortness of breath, you are reminded of the hurt you tried to forget. A picture, a name, a person can only reach you as far. But there are memories... a certain memory thats carved inside of you. And as much as it hurt then, when the carving was freshly grinding through, the wounds never really heal. Every recalling moment is just as harsh, opening the wound and stetching it farther, deeper.

This is why it is so hard to fall. Because once you fall, you expose yourself to all these unpleasant recoils of that thing called love. It is better to go on and enjoy the company of several than focus and fall for one. In that way you save yourself of all the trouble of getting hurt while having the utmost "fun". Who needs that connection with a single person when you can have a lot? And why bother going thru hell and high water just for that one you suspect to be the "one". Go, have fun and be in the company of many. It may seem meaningless, shallow connections but they are acts of self-preservation. In this way you truly protect that one connection that matter most, with yourself. In this jungle, there's only one person that will get you through. Yep, you got that right, only you.

Didn't you ever wonder why they call it a "fall"? Well because you never get out of it whole, unhurt or without a stupid bruise. Its really falling from where the freakin "high" is, only to find yourself back in the real world with a broken soul! So why entrust yourself to another? Why fall so deeply passionately in love when you know it will end soon? Why even bother to see beyond that lazy bum, or that philosophical womanizer with a hopeful eye?? Why be the eternal optimist when everyone's calling your romance a stupid lie? WHHHHYYYYYYY!!!!!!?

With a guise of smile, i reply: "Maybe you've never REALLY been in love so stop asking why"