I started scribbling on thoughts

I started scribbling on thoughts about happy nothings and the price I pay...

I tried to recall with much amusement these awkward yet funny controversial events in my sweet sweet young life. The frantic story-telling goes on in my head. Syempre naman these episodes spell out F-U-N and they go darting in my conscious mind dragging some strings of "haay naku’s", "hala’s!" and "haha's". Then when the giggles and the laughing at me subside, I feel guilt. Guilty pleasure it is, that I do thrive in such situations. But I do feel guilt even in the littlest things that I’ve had myself become used to. I still feel guilty about little white lies, about missing class, about forgetting a classmate’s name, about not being my best in class, about a lot of things you’d think I don’t care about. I may have cheated my way into many things and people (think of all possible contexts except an exam, Yes I do not cheat my grades) but no matter how “usual” these things are to me, I could never ever get rid of the guilt. . Guilt is my twin (well besides my fantabulous lulu). I have guilt trailing my way everywhere I go.

So I punish myself for a lot of many little things I feel guilty about.
It's as if the world isn't conniving and twisted enough that I have this habit of "punishing" myself.

[Ok hold on, I hear my friends say: "No kaya, whatever. You punish yourself, you little brat?"]

"Pffffffttt......" STOP SIGN.
Friends, hear this one out! (wink)

I punish myself because I know I’m so much better than this. A little part of me is still an OC and that responsible trying hard nerd wearing green pumps. It’s the time to be that lady, but I so love the little girl. I punish myself in a way that nobody knows and it’s getting a little old. Someone told me that feeling guilty and seeing the little “wrongs” and not being comfortable with them makes me, fine. It says a lot about my character daw. Maybe so.

And as boring as my blogs get (without the “I-can-so-relate-let’s-be-emo-together-forever” responses); I just know that I love my guilty Wednesdays. I am happy.