playing roles

i spoke to a substitute person once.

they use different words but their message is the same. they speak in soft voices, modulated with neutral accents. they speak with conviction and charisma. there are no hints of doubts or hesitations. i talked to one, and sought for others.

you see them smile, pausing on occasions to take breaths. Not heavily gasping for air, not sighs, just simple normal breaths. so with these encounters, i begin telling you.

it's not actually a lie; just a 68% truth.

i tell myself. it sounds right. i am convinced; i tell you. from my mouth to your ears, what lies in between? From what i mean to what you hear, 32% gets lost. i wonder, where does it go? Perhaps 8% is in my eyes as they twitch to the left. 12% sweats out my clamy fidgetting hands. And the rest? Its in the hoarseness of my voice, in the seconds I take to bite my lip. Its there somewhere when I step side to side. Perhaps it goes as I scratch the back of my head and wipe the moisture off my forehead. but who really knows?

Only the crazy hear voices in their head, so.. who, then are sane? I utter a word when I mean another, realizing it two days two late. There's chance to take it back in a week. But im too much of a coward so I wait. I let it pass. week turns to months then to a gruesome year, until there's no turning back.

if i had lied before without my notion, then this could be another. i just had to be sure. But now, so much has happened. Those that you can't dismiss. I'm finally ready as each month passes, truth surfaces from the layers of "i would nots", "dare nots", "could nots". But it is just too late.

So i continue telling you what i've said before in a masquerade of great pretenses. I fail at times. The message becomes unclear. the pitch of my voice vary. sometimes my words lack certainty. my words get jumbled up. i stutter. my tongue slips.

that is the reason you are confused. and im sorry. i'm not like the rest, you see. It would take a while before i master this. but hey, it is ok. being a substitue person keeps me yours.

[i wrote this for someone who lacked the guts to say it][now even in mystery, at least its out][everything can have its peace again]

good night kriska :)