I just had to.

2009 has been "boring".
It was the kind of boring that came with relief.

As I was almost convincing myself that my old ways were rare and almost gone, I had to catch myself in party clothes doing the walk of shame.

What was I thinking? Right, I wasn't.

It could have been the lack of emotions that stirred in me when I confronted the ghosts of my Christmas pasts, the wives of my two recent relationships, that I had to do something crazy. I expected to feel outraged or extremely uncomfortable that one night I agreed to mingle with my past boyfriends and their current girlfriends. But in all honesty, I felt nothing spectacular. There were tiny moments of awkwardness but my expectations were all let down -- in a good way too.
And to blame it on that is but a silly excuse.

It could have been that I was bored; party true, partly an excuse.

I was lonely.
And as true as this may be, I should stop using it as a license.

I needed some confirmation, I needed to bridge the gaps of my worlds. I needed to feel that my change is true. No change is genuine without a relapse. No recovering addict drops it all cold turkey and never uses again. Or maybe those success cases just never get publicized?

I had to prove something to myself.
And whether I proved "it" or not, I still do not know.

I was nearing the end of a pretty boring year, and I just had to make "non-sense" about it. I have been doing things that have a cause, things that actually mean something, that somehow I feel like I have become boring.
Boring is good, boring is becoming mature. - so I tell myself.

Boring would have been good for him.

I just had to do one of my social experiments- little did I know that it was on me.
It was fun while it lasted.
Whether or not it is completely at its end, I do not know yet.

There are a lot of things I do not know. There are a lot of things I am at peace not knowing. There are quite a few I'd pursue.

Right now, I know that I am happy that my past is my past. I am ready to move on.
At the same time, I am a little fearful and excited about the future.

Maybe I would not have so many things that I just have to do.

I'll take a full day and allow myself to process the last week, the last month, the last year and the last decade.
Then, I'll get back to you.